Friday, 21 December 2012

Blue Christmas... Getting Whiter!!

At this time of year almost everyone is getting into the festive mood over Christmas but spare a thought for those people who really do find this a hard time of year for many reasons….

I am just one of them.. whilst my issues are not anywhere near as bad as lot of others I do struggle!! I attended Blue Christmas at my church for the 3rd year running. Which is a service to help deal with issues for those struggling and help us to place all of our issues at the foot of the cross.. It’s a slow process but it is helping..

During prayer on that service in 2012 I felt it upon me to write my “story” down so that others may gain something from this and seek to find a peace within themselves from God that only realising you are not alone thought this all..

I also want to make it VERY clear that I am not laying blame on what happened at anyones door except Satan… I know after many years of the real reasons behind what happened and why!

At the age of 4 my father was involved in a serious accident which left him in a wheel chair and badly brain damaged. It also meant that my mother was not able to care for him at home with me being a little child as well. The demands on her were huge.. It took me many years to grow up and see this and respect that it must have been really difficult to deal with and make decisions.

Growing up was not easy and as my mum did her best, again, something I did not realise till I grew up and saw the bigger picture.

Christmas was never a time to remember for me growing up and not as the “normal” way of things that everyone was making it out to be.. I never really bothered much about it at all..

The only real memory I have of Christmas growing up was at the age of 11 I think when we were really in a bad way with money that my mum had to go down to the local salvation army and see if they were giving toys away.. I held this so close to me for many years and still do.. It must have been a heartbreaking thing to do and be in but I totally respect my mother for this.. I wanted to make it special for her as well on this one year so I saved my pocket money and found money on the floor at the local ice cream parlour. Walked down the high street to the local Woolworths and bought 4 plastic cups. Nothing special but it was all I could do. I do not even remembering wrapping them but giving them to her meant a lot.

Through teens the story was the same, Christmas never really meat a lot and it was all about what presents I would get and that was about it. I was not a Christian, did not go to church at all, you could not drag me into one!!

Many many years all I really wanted for Chrsitmas was to be with my dad or have him with me… I do know this is the reason why I have issues at Christmas time and even more now that he has passed away and I have a huge hole inside of me which I am trying to deal with!!

Adulthood, 20-29 was the same which it was just another day…

I can still see why my mother does not really “do” Christmas….

The pain has only really come up and ive been able to see it since I was 18ish… I had 2 things in life that I wanted and one was to spend one of my birthdays with my dad and the other was a christmas day with him.. I was really blessed to have my birthday one forfilled before he passed away and it was a day I shall hold so dearly…

We are told that Christmas is a family time.. where all the family gather around and are happy,.. well this is part of the pain for me as it felt like it was being rammed down my throat everywhere I was looking when I was growing up. As an adult, before I met my wife, I just hid it all and kept myself away from society and whenever it came on tv I just rubbished the idea… now I have family I cant be the same..

The pain is like a huge amount of hurt is building and all I want to do it hide and be in tears and I am sure that I am not alone in this feeling and I know there are many out there who are worse than I am..

At times I can only imagine what it would be like to have him around and the huge enjoyment I would get from it… it fills me with tears when I know I wont be able to have this lived out.. I miss him dearly…

I have struggled being an adult and accepting that this will never happen now and no matter what others do it will never be the same for me..

Over the last few years since I now have a wonderful wife and family and since becoming a Christian I can see a way of dealing with this and hopefully/prayerfully one day soon this pain will be removed and I shall be able to deal with Christmas in a way that my family can enjoy it with me and I with them… I have only been a Christian for since 2008ish….

Going to blue Christmas at church over last 3 years has helped as it is really apparent to me that I have to open this wound and allow God to heal it and this is the only way it shall be done.. much praying and crying at these services and only in opening myself to God I have managed to get to this place…

I still have a way to go but with any problem the knowing of where/who is the root cause of things is the first step to dealing with it all and as Satan is the root of all evil I know that it was not God that caused this to happen to me and my family when I was little..

I wont lie and say that it’s a easy road to walk down in the road of healing but it’s the only way I can get through this and regain some sort of normality to Christmas and show my kids and wife that God is real and the true spirit of Christmas can work miracles.

I now have a few reasons to get over this and they are my wife, children and grandchildren… they are amazing and how they have put up with me during these years being the grump I am I have no idea.. I am truly blessed…

It is something that cant be done alone.. It takes God, a lot of prayer, family and those in the church who God has placed near me to help (such as Blue Christmas).. So I can only encourage you if you find this time of year a struggle to get yourself to a local church who do a Christmas service like ours does or to speak to someone with in the church to get prayer..

If you are not a church going type person… I really do encourage you to go and ask for help.. if they do not help you find another one!! I pray for all of you that have problems at this time of year and that I see you on the road of healing to walk with you!!! Remember you are never alone!!!

Peace and blessings to you

No comments:

Post a Comment